Near Dharamsala, India, the home of the Dalai Lama and many peaceful Tibetans.
We were in deep tantric practice. I had to lay still. One centimeter of movement of my knees opening wider would put him over the edge. He was practicing non-emissive sex –penetration without ejaculation. I was practicing opening my pleasure channels, and knowing I’m fully being loved, and made loved to without having to do a thing. Thoughts of judgments from hearing other men talking about girls as a “dead lay” were swirling in mind.
For many months before, I had been practicing inner styles of yoga by myself on my yoga mat.
Feeling the energy rushing in and out of my body and uniting with the universe, and then something else inside that I couldn’t yet explain.
This deep energetic tantric practice opened my wind-nadi system in a way that made my insides so warm, my body in full goosebumps, shivering and shaking as I am being penetrated one inch a minute.
The sensation was out if this world – like a barometer of pressure rising up and down from my yoni to my throat.
This level of tantric intensity was new to me. Him learning control. Me feeling full body pleasure as the right side of my brain was having a meltdown. I literally watched it, felt it, and heard it scream.
It had been 3 hours. I did not think any more pleasure was possible, or any more quiet in my mind.
I saw stars.
Not the same stars like the time I lost consciousness of my physical body and disappeared into black limitless space while in shaking meditation in an Ashram in Bali.
This time, I’m laying on my back, with him between my thighs, holding my knees down so I wouldn’t dare move them and make him lose control, and I’m outside my body, flying above, watching it us.
I was a “brain-dead lay” with stars instead of pupils in my eyes. Those stars were different –like something out of a sci-fi movie.
The energy rose and rose, squeezed up my yoni and deepened. It hit a place I could never imagine.
At first I wasn’t sure if it felt good, until my yoni tightened around his lingam and there was no way he could pull out. He could only, repeatedly, gently and strongly, entice the magical switch inside.
It turned on.
My brain exploded.
I was not sure if my body could handle it, or if I would be able to return inside of it. I screamed, orgasmed, laughed and cried; all expressions within a span of ten minutes.
It was new and confusing, and all in a fully accepting space.
My “brain deadness” and years of systematic social mental conditioning failed and were fried on this orgasmic switchboard never to be turned on suppressing my freedom again.
His control didn’t stand a chance: It was our first time in Bedroom Practice.
The entire Indian family home in the mountains heard me. And, so did all of our friends, who were just outside our window, hanging out in a row of plastic chairs.
He stepped outside and approached our friends casually. It had been four hours. I was pleasantly disoriented.
I remember the moment as I pulled my right black bra strap over my shoulders and realized, that was the first time after having sex that I did not feel embarrassed or ashamed.
Before I would have thought, “I can’t go outside! They all know I was getting fucked.”
Sometimes, this was a subtle thought; sometimes, it was a huge thought. A very disempowering and disappointing meta side-effect that I did not realize was present every time in the past, until it wasn’t.
It’s absence smelled like womanhood.
There was only love, and people outside who only make love to their partner and who give love, support, and care to all those around them.
After meditating for another 30 minutes, I walked outside to join the party with all of my beautiful friends and my lover, without an ounce of embarrassment or shame. The feeling was more, “Hey! I was just talking to God, and now I’m talking to you!”
That was the result of total love and satisfaction. I wondered why it wasn’t there before, even though I was engaged to be married in the past.
A “tantric” orgasm: Not only created physically in a part of the body after much education, and energy and muscle control. But the overall experience and ceremony arriving to this orgasm led to another important self-empowering result: Unshamed Sex.
From then on, I wouldn’t have it any other way. A ceremony of my heart was only the first pre-requisite.
This was almost a decade ago. Since then, it has become my passion to help people integrate spirituality practically into their intimate life. I do it naturally.
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